Why do this?

The reason for this whole blog is pretty simple, but I think it begs a longer explanation. The reason I'm here, struggling for the right words, is this, I want to be a good writer. Across time and distance I can hear some of you questions, so let me answer a few of those now. Yes, there are other ways I could improve as a writer. No, I can't guarantee this is going to be interesting for you. Yes, there is a deeper issue, give me a second and I'll get to it.

See, in order to be a writer, you need to write. To be a good writer, you need to write a lot. It is more than that though. You need to have a voice, connect with your reader, be real on the page. There is a loss of privacy you have to be willing to endure, a vulnerability you can't manage.

Give me this paragraph to explain a little about myself, then I promise to go back to my explanation. For most of my life, as long as I can remember I've been the giver and receiver of harsh words. The secret to enduring this is something my friends call turning into the skid. It is that self deprecating art of beating your friends to the punch. If I say I am an idiot it makes them saying it seem like a waste of time. The reality is, if you are not afraid of your flaws they loose the power they wield over you. To my friend from Virginia I called his state Old Glory rather then Old Dominion. In a history conversation, I made reference to Thomas Jefferson writing the Constitution. I've made my share of mistakes that opened me up to criticism, but never have they slowed me from moving forward. They are a joke among friends, but nothing more.

For me, writing is completely different.

The first thing you need to understand, is I am not very good at the fundamentals. I make word use mistakes. I can tell you the difference between there, their and they're, but when I'm writing sometimes I get it wrong. I have the same problem with grammar. The rules elude me when I need them. Lastly, I'm a bad speller, I can look at word sometimes and know it doesn't look right, but for the life if me I can't recognize how to fix. Other times, the word looks fine and it only looks fine because I've been misspelling it my whole life. To make this worse, I can't turn into the skid on this one. Every extra comma and misspelled word makes me feel stupid and embarrassed. I can smile and joke, but on the inside I'm wondering what is wrong with me, why is it so hard to get this thing right.

I hate feeling that way. Broken. So, my writing suffers. I either don't do it, or have to force myself, or don't share it, because it's never good enough. Or, when I have something I need to share I regulate it to be something so far from myself, it becomes bland.

Yet, I need to write. There is something that has been working in me for a long time, which needs to get out. The writer I have hidden for fear of his ineptness. Me.

This blog, starting with this very post is my attempt to break the fear cycle and write. I can promise you, if you keep reading you will find bad spelling, bad grammar and probably a misused word or two. You also may, at times, find me either boring or confusing. I know my flaws are going to be exposed, and I'm trying to be OK with that. To make this meaningful, I'm also going to link to each of my posts in Facebook and Twitter. No hiding.

I want to be free to write. It sounds cliche, I know, but I don't want to be afraid anymore.