Failure to Connect

I have 114 emails in my inbox right now. For many of you, maybe even most of you, this might seem low. I've looked over your should, seen the hundreds or even thousands in there and felt my heart pick up a pace for you, but that is not me. I try to handle and file everything. I love the feel of an empty Inbox. That thought that no one is waiting on me, I'm on top of my communication game. 114 means that someone is wrong.

I started my day being stopped by Perry before I made it to my desk. He is a tall light skinned African American, who dresses like someone who made a hobby of fashion design. He does, in fact, have a hobby of fashion design. With every bit of drama he can muster, he looks worried. I sit down my things, and walk over to his computer, where his work is all messed up. His work is doing data corrections from a massive audit, in which we are deciding if it is worth the hefty cost or not. Too important to have him set dormant. We have to tweak SME reporting n the fly, but in a half hour, or so, I get him back up and running. It feels good, for a moment.

I get back t my desk and am finally able to start up my system and go get a cup of coffee. When I make it back, Susan is waging for me outside my cube and asks if I am going to call into the Provider Search meeting, they are trying to come up with a long term solution for out of state provider who need to be found in our directory. Because it is faster than my work laptop, I pull up my e-mail on my iPad, get the dial in number and join the call a few minutes late. It is fine, but after 45 minutes of talking about the technical limitations of the website, working through them, and putting together a plan, we are good. The solution is good, but is totally new.

I hang up the phone and it is time to call Steve. I'm actually late, but he knew I was going to be late. We talk about logging and exercise, Johanna and sleep. We do our accountability and make our plans, but there is not much time for additional chatter. My mind is starting to churn at the end of the call on, the status report I owe Barb and the new networks which need to be implemented and the statistics from Perry's work.

Just outside of the conference call I am having my call in, I see my summer inters, Emily and Dylan. I say Good Morning, but I am thinking, do you have enough work to keep you busy today.

I get back to my desk and write up a quick document for the meeting I will have in a just a few minutes. Trying to codify the rules on specialty in such a way a group who is not trained on the details can apply them correctly. It starts simple, but it spirals out of control. My six conditions get splintered, the handling too complex and we apply some rules, then roll them back. Internal Medicine uses secondary, well not always, well in these conditions, but not always, and on and on. It is a simple idea, but the variations are deep. We do get to a solution, but it takes longer then the time we had scheduled. The notes are important, because the ink of my mind is starting to run.

I step out of the meeting, needed to talk to Monique. Can she add to the list? When will she be able to get it done? How should this be handled. It goes well, which is good and ultimately, she goes to the conference room, so she can talk to the other folks directly. I enjoy being out of the middle. I am almost free, when Shantel, stops me.

At first she just wants to vent, so I tell her to be firm, but nice. It is about a project I'm only loosely attached to, but we have worked on major projects for years and so we help each other. I am trying t get clear, to breathe for a moment, but I can't seem to do it. I'm not unhappy, just fraying a little bit.

Then she asks me about a project I should know well. I know I should know well. I feel the red in my cheeks as I know that I can't make the connection. I stare at her. She looks up, confused that I am confused. I ask a question that doesn't make any sense and fumble with the information, trying to access what she wants to know. It is almost painful. I want to hold down my power button for nine seconds, so I can get a hard reboot.