Preparing to Speak

I sit in the office and notice how the glass covering the dark wood on the top of the desk has an interesting half reflect effect. You can only see this well at the edge, because there are Bible and papers, a laptop and candy jars covering the rest of the top. Across the desk from me is Pastor Jeff. He leans back in his chair with his hands behind his head, not in the casual way you might expect, but with the posture of someone who is stressed, but wants to look casual. We've been having a good conversation, part of it is about a much needed break he is about to take.

He suddenly leans forward and pulls a calendar from his desk drawer and tells me who is going to cover services while he is away. September 11th, he says, he hasn't asked anyone to teach yet. "Would you like to do it?"

It is hard to describe exactly the flood of emotions I feel when this question is asked. There is the immediate fear of preparation and presentation and normal human exposure warning, but long ago I began enjoying this effect, liking the adrenaline of that thought. So, that fear gets replace with excitement. Then there is the honor of being asked. He is trusting me with one of his most valuable commodities, the congregation God has given him. Then there is the thought of who that congregation in, the Pastor's and Greek scholars, the long experienced Christians and new Christians. The excitement and honor starts to be replaced with that feeling of fear, the weight of the responsibility. What could I possibly do, what if I mess it up, I'm responsible. Just the thought of it feels like posing, trying to do I task I am not equipped to do. I say, "Yeah, I can do that," and try to hide my concern.

My phone buzzes telling me a text has come in. I look down and just below the date, "Tuesday, September 10" is the green message bubble and a short note from Pastor Andrew, the music pastor. It has been three weeks, or so, since I told Jeff I would speak and Andrew now wants to know what it will be on. It shakes me. I know it is Romans chapter 12. I know it is going to be a spiritual health assessment, but I'm now reminded that it is tomorrow. I don't feel prepared. I'm not even sure of how many of the verses I will do. I know I'm start in verse 9 and I don't think I can go to 2, but where do I cut it off. I give him all the verses and tell him roughly what I will speak on, but my mind starts the race.

It is the night. I have eaten less and walked more because I am filled with nervous energy. As I approach the church I can see Jeff is in his office. His front door is closed, so I cut through the office to see if he is available to talk. He is. He looks different. I wouldn't say more relaxed, which is what I was expecting. I would say, more determined, convinced, I don't know exactly how to describe it. I ask about his time off and then it comes. He asks me if I mind if he is in there tonight. He wants to sit in while I speak.

This should not be any more pressure. It is no greater responsibility. It won't change anything. I wouldn't prepare any differently. On the other hand, this is a pastor who has be preaching for years and more importantly, he is my pastor. This is like cooking for a chef you greatly admire. Of course you say yes, which I did, but I will be hyper aware he is there. He can tell that my knob has been turned to 11 (if I'm permitted to reference Spinal Tap and church in a single post), so politely he says he can stay away. He wants me to do my best. I assure him I will be OK. It will be fine.

I take deep breaths and do a lot of praying until the song Andrew has selected to lead off with ends and I step behind the podium.