The Brothers Smith

In the recesses of my mind, I can remember my brother and I being told to go outside nearly everyday. We had a handful of kids in the neighborhood we would do things with, but we were each others constant companion. In the summer sun, we built cities in the sand for our cars, gathered bugs in a plastic bucket, with a broken yellow handle, and ate mulberries that grew in the yard. These days are elevated in my mind.

As we got older competition replaced companionship. We dueled with broken and taped hockey sticks, argued offer the rules of stick gun battles and tried to outdo each others stunts on our bikes. I was not a generous competitor. I remember once debating passionately about the value of a chess piece. Without the internet, the answer was finally found on a VHS tape we had on playing and scoring chess. A normal person would let the answer unfold and let the chips fall where they may. Not me. Once the tape declared I was right, I rewound and played it again and again and again. It wasn't enough to be right, I wanted to dominate. I was a jerk. I can't even get my head around the person who would do this, but this is who I was. I was the brother who couldn't let his younger brother win, I couldn't be nice, I needed to be king.

In my last couple years at home, before going to college, my brother and I were both in high school. He was a good singer, beginning to write decent poetry and really had a sharp intellect. I don't ever remember complementing him. I know I picked apart the weaknesses I could spot in these things. I continued to be ungracious and unthoughtful. For whatever reason, "winning" even when there was no real competition kept me from giving up any ground. This isn't to say it was all bad, but as a whole I was a lousy brother and friend.

I am sorry for that, that I made life harder than it needed to be. It feels too late to say. It feels like the person that should have apologized has been gone a while and I've been left here in their place.

The problem is, I still don't know how to relate well with my brother.

It seems for the most part, there is either debate or silence between us. When I should be sharing the things God is doing in my life, I'm debating theology. When I should be encouraging my brother to write more, to sing more, to help me with a history project for fun, I don't. I've tried to get better at this, but I'm out of practice.

This relationship not what I want it to be, not what if feels like it should be, but I don't know how to fix it.