Sucker punch

The first notice came the beginning of May last year. It was a simple note left on a shared on-line forum. It was left in relative public. A short few words. I drew closer to the computer screen trying to draw in every word, realizing some critical pieces were missing.

"I'm withdrawing from running a game Monday night and participating in other games for the time being to deal with the consequences of some personal choices I've made."

I read it again and again as I mulled over what it meant. The game would be replaced. The group could manage in his absence, but it wouldn't be the same. More importantly this person I had grown to know, even met for the first time a few months before, was hurting. He wasn't the public sort and I wouldn't pry. So, I sent him a note telling him how I was praying for him.

The players were buzzing with a lack of knowledge. I hoped he would return to us soon. I really respected and in many ways admired this man, I couldn't make sense of what he could have done. It didn't fit with the person I knew.

A few days later, he sent a personal e-mail with details. For all the world to see I was fine, or angry, but it broke me. He was a pathological liar. Every impressive accomplishment, all of his college and professional experiences, all the personal conversations were riddled with lies. He was trying to come clean, not just to me but to his wife and family, who had been fooled for years. He was willing to talk, but I wasn't willing to believe him.

I looked for comfort in those going through the same thing. They were reeling, too. That e- mail he sent was not an apology, but a proclamation of death. That person I knew and had even met, I can see him now hopping on the phone for a stock deal, was gone. All I had were questions, but no answers I could trust.

I wished I could start over, but I couldn't. If the old person was dead, then I was forcing the new person to where him as a millstone. If he wasn't dead, then my friend was a liar. Willing to lie to me.

He returned, but my heart was hardened. Every word caused a mental flinch, "Lying?". "Everything you say is suspect," I told him. He wouldn't get the benefit of the doubt from me. I wasn't going to be fooled any more. I was holding him so far under, the water had taken me as well. While I don't think he knows it, to this day I've held him there.

I need to breathe.

I can't forgive him on my own. So, my prayers have changed. I'm asking for a heart of forgiveness.

He is who he is, not a new person, but my friend who, for whatever reason, lied. He doesn't need to wear that crime, and I don't need to make it the sum of his parts. It took me too long to realize this, but we can't start over, either. I can't forget. So, I pray for the desire to forgive him, to put aside my distrust for compassion. Without this change there will be no healing and I need the healing to begin.