Gut check

I opened the manila envelope, which was in my office chair. It was the results of a leadership survey. I was excited to get the results. I had worked hard to be the best leader I could over the last few months and now I would see what my boss, peers and subordinates had to say about me. Sure, I'd pick out the things I needed to improve, but is the fluorescent light of my office, I was pretty excited.

At first glance the page looked like a set of three spiderwebs. Eight leadership traits made up the spokes and a couple lines, one representing my self analysis and another from some subset of respondents, became the threads that rounded them. I sat down a tried to really draw in what they were saying. There seemed to be something amiss.

Inspire. It was one of the leadership traits. One of the spokes of the web. Probably the one I considered most important. I wanted to inspire people to do great things. Set an example for them. Even reaching people by removing the masks, the quest for deeper all around relationships which had been years ago, was in part about this desire. If someone can see the full me and I always have the answer, or can do the work, my staff will be inspired.

In my mind, I was doing great at this. I even reported as much on my portion of the questionnaire which made these spiderwebs before me. There it was a spike in the web, my self reported ability, a spike that was not reflected by my staff. Not only was it not reflected, but their thread at that point took a dip. I not only was not great, I didn't even make average.

There were more pages telling me why, but I couldn't face them right away. I set the pages down on the desk focused on nothing for a little bit. They were wrong! I first thought, but how can that be. If the people you are trying to inspire tell you, you are not inspiring, you're not. What had I done? I gave them access to my life. I was always prepared with solutions. I pitched in a helped on what ever they worked on. It felt like I had run the field with no one telling me I had dropped the ball and now I wasn't even sure where it was. I was not who I thought I was.

If I was so wrong on this, what did this mean for the way I was perceived by my friends and family?

I read the comments in the pack, explaining in a little more detail why I had gotten these results. They weren't wrong. They said I was a know it all, which I worked to be. They said they felt unneeded. They said I was slow to give praise and quick to give criticism. They said I never seemed to believe I was wrong.

How do I get back from this, I thought. I was trapped not only by who I was, but the history of having been that way. I felt like I could see the sun setting from the bottom of a well.

Initially, Milt, my professional coach helped me work through some of the backwards thoughts I had. He helped my to find the solutions, I should say, made me make my own solutions. I learned that it is important to let other people solve the problem. They I need to praise, with no further point; a simple good job goes a long way. Most importantly, and uncomfortably, I need to be vulnerable and compassionate to other people. If I become different, eventually they will see me different.

He was right, but that is only a part of what needed to be done. My friend and accountability partner James, had been holding me to making deacon calls and some writing every day, but at roughly the same time I was working with Milt, our accountability conversations had taken a different direction. He made me aware, even without full knowledge of the coaching I had, had with Milt, that I had the same problem with many of my relationships that I had with my staff. I wasn't vulnerable of compassionate. He never said the words that way, but they were there in the press for a goal what challenged me to be more connect and exposed. When he explained the glee my friends would take in my mistakes and as I told him how absolutely I hated the fact that my spelling and grammar were so bad. An English major who can't spell.

It was an epiphany, flashback and the feeling of working without a net all rolled into one. He couldn't have been more right, people will only let you help them if they know you care and they will only believe you care if they feel you can relate and people would only relate to me if I really took down the masks, not just with the facts, but with my emotions. So, full of fear of the laughing and rebukes I would get for messing up of their, there and their, I wrote hoping that I can grow to be someone you can admire and trust. Someone you can truly know and want to be truly known by.