Overtaken

I have a great love for the ocean. There is something about standing so the foam of the churning water just touches your feet while you inhale the salty air. You look out and anything you can see is so small as to be insignificant to the size of the great water. There even joy being in a room close enough to hear the rhythmic sound of the water through the open balcony door. There is something about the size and sound the reminds you of God. A spiritual experience.

The first time I can remember going to the ocean I was with my parents. I have a flood of memories, blurred with age, which I associate with this first trip. The stainless steel trash can full of crab my Dad caught on the peer, particular the ones that snapped their claws at you when you got too close. The white sand, which burned your feet as you tried to get to darker sand cooled by water. The hermit crab, which we brought home so it could live its very short life in a poorly maintained, red, plastic bucket.

One of the other memories I have was playing the water and waves with my Mom and Dad. I don't remember everything we did or the games we played, but I have a moment here which stands out for me. "Hold your breath," my Dad said, in the same way I have with my kids. Then into the air I go with my arms and legs flailing.

Splash. I kept eyes closed, having already got salt water in my eyes earlier. But it felt cold green. Alien. The water seemed to grasp and spin me, starling. I kick to get to the surface, but I can't. I'm tumbling. I try to get my feet down, but it is too late, I can't even tell down for a moment. I am running out of breath. I flail blindly from side to side. I know my dad is there, but I can't see him. Alone in the dark. Overtaken.

The time Shelly and I and the girls spent in Kalamazoo was great in so many ways. We were in our own. Our schedule was ours. Even though we had the twins, which kept us home way more than is did before, we were very much masters of our own lives. I particularly remember Sundays.

We had grown tired of the cliquishness of the church we once attended and having the children gave us the perfect first excuse to make our break from them. I had shifted my talk of the importance of church, to the more popular position of you can be spiritual without going to church. It made the slow moving Sundays of bagels and TV more in alignment with our beliefs. I fooled myself not saying this wasn't my responsibility. When I owned the need to go to church, I would let any excuse deter me. You are the spiritual head of your household, was the thing that God kept reminding me of.

Joblessness. The money is gone. We can't afford the bagels and the sun never shines as bright as it used to. I try to get a new job on my own, but I can't. The days stretch on, the phone is turned off, the family has to leave me so what little money can me made, is made. I flail, but I don't know which way is the right way to go. I know God is there, but I have been blinding myself. Alone in the dark. Overtaken.

It the water of the ocean, any number of people could have lifted me out of the water, but they were not there with me. Who was there was my Dad, who probably in just a couple seconds, did lift me back above the waves. The problem for me was not because I wanted to be trapped beneath the water, but when the water came I didn't know what to do. I was caught not because I was trying, but because I was unaware.

This is nearly precisely what happened with my sin of being a poor spiritual leader for my family while I was in Kalamazoo. See, fellow Christians are there because sin is not something people are trying to do, but they do automatically if they are not mindful. It is a wave in the ocean which will toss you if you are not planted and the carry you to places you never intended to go. Carry you to death. Compulsive flailing, those out of control sins we have, are there because we are not planted. Alone in the dark. Overtaken.

You don't have to be.

Galatians 6:1-2 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.