Double Standards

When I was growing up I was very lightly aware that my Dad and his mom did not always get along. I knew that they both had, we'll say dynamic, personalities, but that didn't really explain the annoyance my father felt by something she had done, kept doing. Over time what I gathered was, my Dad felt it was always on him to call, always on him to visit, but his mother did neither for him. I didn't know what this behavior was called, or why it was, but I could see his point. "The phone works both ways," he would say.

Looking back to those long ago days, I am aware of several things I didn't conceive of then. First, my grandmother must have rationalized not calling. She had a reason. It might not have been good, but everyone who has a double standard has a reason. It could be as simple as she didn't want to bother him, or didn't like calling or some other thing, but whatever it was, it was there. Second, when faced with this double standard, my Dad could dismiss it, try to figure it out, call it out or mimic the behavior in an attempt to show the disparity. Third, I was learning, at a very high level, how many people work. How sometimes, in spite of myself, I would work.

At work I have a partner area I work with all of the time called BCU. They are an incredibly talented group of folks, but if you want them to do anything for you, you have to fill out one of their ridiculous, complex, overly long forms. I'm not sure if they are a deterrent, if they really need all of that data or if they are just really bad at making simple forms. Hate them. I would burn them in. The parking lot, if I didn't need them to get things done. Recently, we have implemented a control process to better the tickets which are submitted for the system we work with every day. Part of this is filling out a one page form. Every area I work with fills out this form, doesn't find it problematic, understands what it is for. That is, every area except form BCU, which has informed us they don't fill out that form. I remain controlled, but escalate the problem.

There was many a Friday night in high school, where I would pace until I was completely wrapped up in the long phone, curly phone cord. I was calling person after person making arrangements for the weekend. Whose house could we go to? Who could make it? Who needed a ride? What game would we be playing? I was calling everyone, arranging everything. I loved it. I never felt put upon. This was a role I enjoyed. What I never considered was anyone else. I assumed they loved having something to do being arranged for them, but this might not have been true. That thing I said was my role, could have been my rationale for a double standard. No on called me on it, I don't know is anyone cared, but I was blind to even the possibility? How do you even know if it is your role vs. setting one expectation for yourself, which is different than what you hold others to?

How do you do it? When are you beIng bossy vs.when are you playing the role people want you to play?

I usually keep the double standards I see to myself. I know people don't mean to be this way. I know they have a rationale, or think it is just a role thing, or aren't even aware. I'm struggling though. I have a few friendships recently where I have run into this wall where I progress as peers and suddenly the same person asks me about my kids doesn't want to be asked questions about theirs. Where the same person who doesn't call me reads something into me not calling them. Where the same person who wants me to open my door a little wider, actively, clearly, closes theirs. I know none of these things are done with an intent to be malicious. I doubt there is any perceived double standard. I know all of this will pass, but there is a part of my father in me that wants to shout, "The phone works both ways."