Offended

Right now, I am offended.

Last week ago, or so, I had discussion with a friend of mine on the way we interact with people. We have very distinct styles. We are both brutally honest, but he pride himself in always communicating directly, while I tend to deal with people in a much more subtle manner. I like to ask questions, guide someone to a conclusion, let them arrive at ideas at their own pace. I find this works well for me. He equated this to manipulation or exerting control, something peers should not do to each other, I do not. He made a moral judgement of this style, but rather than take offense, I listened and considered what he had to say.

In my consideration, I have come to the conclusion that he is wrong and here is why. When I teach my Sunday school class, I ask a lot of questions, this isn't to take an authoritative position, lecturing would be more effective for that, instead it is to engage the class. Every week they teach me something. Every week I get to be the student because of this more subtle method of teaching, rather conversation guiding. Additionally, when do accountability partnerships, the best tool I have is questions. If I'm telling someone an answer, it is my answer, if I can draw it from them, it is theirs. Who am I to tell someone I have a better solution? Questions get me out of the way. Even in friendship, I prefer to start with questions, make sure we are on the same page look at things the same way, have the same interests or views, before I push for something you don't want. I'm more interested to learn about you, than talking about me. If you want to know, you can ask. See how nicely that tool works.

This subtle approach is not the "right" approach, but it is my approach. It is the way I have found to have my relationships flourish.

Today I get a text from this friend about how he wouldn't be participating in my Facebook/forum questions anymore. When I asked him why, he told me that I seemed above it all when I asked a question and then don't participate in the discussion. He then tells me he's been mauling over our discussion and he has taken it to mean that when I am subtle, when I use questions to guide a conversation, I am actually trying to remain safe and keep the people asked at a disadvantage. In other words, I'm more interested in control, than what anyone has to say. This went from style, to bias, to judging my character because of the style I told him I had.

At that point, I was already bent out of shape a bit. So, I told him I thought he must be writing out of some hostility. I still can't imagine what other driver could bend the view of asking a few questions. He goes on to explain that when I ask question, but then don't answer them myself, it causes everyone else to group scrutiny, but not being exposed myself. I'm not share my opinion. First, let me say this may be the only time I have been accused of not expressing my opinion. Second, there is nothing at all in these setting preventing someone from asking me questions, nor is there a time limit preventing me from going back later and give my opinion. So, with those things being true, why jump on me? Why not just say you'd like to see my opinion, why not publicly ask me questions? Why take this incident and turn it into me being a puppet master? Why assume my motives? Prejudge my character? Is this what friend do to each other?

Then, he tells me. He writes, "I have definitely been on the lookout for this behavior lately." He was waiting to pounce, waiting to accuse. He didn't build assumptions about my motive and character today, he's harbored these things since, i guess since, I openly discussed our differences in interaction style. So, I can't win. I can't prove anything. Everything I say, to his ears, comes from the lips of a manipulator, every question I ask comes from a motive of control, there is nothing I can do which is above scrutiny. If you are on the lookout for something, if you look hard enough, you will find it. No evidence, is evidence of a cover-up to a conspiracy theorist.

So, what do I do? As I wrote him, "If you are intent on taking my discussions with you and using them to see me in a bad light, assuming the worse, I don't see what the value is. You can assume all the bad you want about me, without me saying anything."