Kolinahr

Yesterday I called and texted Shelly as I normally do, although the business of the day made it more like gasping for air than easy breathing. New staff, training, missing permissions, welcome party, balancing my own work with this increased management. The comfortable pattern of things was missing, even so I could detect a subtle sadness in the communications from my wife. When I came into the house I was talking to Steve, interestingly enough, about the odd communication gaps which exist in our network of friends. Sometimes having all the tools and the willingness is not enough, Lennie's meaty hands always crush the bunny. When I went down, where Shelly was setting on the couch, I tried to find out what was going on, what I could do, what she wanted. Nothing.

I am certain that the intent was to make it clear that it wasn't me, that she was lost in her own thoughts, that it couldn't really see what she was seeing and she didn't want me to feel what she was feeling. I was left though with fingers too thick to pet the bunnies. I recoiled behind the monitor of my computer where I could hide the feelings of being uninvited and inadequate and then those more complex feelings of shame I feel, for feeling the way I did, for having the selfishness.

In a way, the pall of this moment carried over until it was time to drive Savannah to Fife and Drum Corps. She would be trying out for first sword, a position she wanted and for which she had practiced. We talked on this and picked up the Perry's. When I got to the school, Brian noticed I looked tired. I told him I had a long day at work, which was true enough and didn't require any of that personal exposure.

A friend of mine came in and we talked about a loss they had just experienced in the family. It made me feel both childish for my own internal thoughts and knocked the bottom out of the hole I was already in. They had experience so much pain and confusion, that it washed over me, swallowing whatever words of comfort I thought I might have. While I did talk, I felt struck dumb. I couldn't help but get dragged into thoughts of my friend Wayne, who just lost his wife, or our family friends who lost there son about a year ago. I could see the loss in his eyes, the need for understanding, but I couldn't feel it too. His hurt was private, not because he was locking me out, but because I didn't have the keys to get in. My pain was insignificant, so temporary by comparison, to say it would expose me, show me as embarrassingly selfish.

My shadow clung to me as I started to the car to drive home. I was interrupted by Sue, the President of the Corps. Sue is a good president, she is organized and devotes a great amount of her time to make this group successful. When I am my best self I appreciate all she does, her help and suggestions. She was unhappy with one three sign-up sheets I had developed on Saturday, a for designed to allow 41 kids and their parents sign up at four different locations at around six different times. Even though I have lifted the form from the one that was done last year, it probably took an hour from my Saturday to develop. Her suggestion was one that essentially meant that work was wasted. In that moment it was a slap in the face, when Julie put up the form last year it was fine, but when I use the same model it was not? Perhaps it is me, as I thought about it, it did occur to me that she had nit picked everything I had done. Are the forms my job? Is Travel and Membership my responsability? She could do the form herself. The darkness swirled in my head, probably not concealed as much as I would like, but I held it.

Inadequate. Fraudulant. Selfish. Exposed. The feelings boiled within me. Universal disappointment. Hot shame.

This morning I found out Savannah did not get the position she had hoped for, that she practiced for. I did not see her, but Shelly said she was upset. Do I tell her to embrace the little lies we all tell ourselves? I had an off day. My equipment failed me. I got distracted. Or, do I tell her to own it, to do her best and be who she is going to be, that she doesn't have to be the best to be valuable, loved and respected. It seems like a very tough call from where I am sitting.