Let's play a game

Can you name the TV shows?

1. פסגות תאומות
2. EAF, TNN, COH, TLO, WNOHGB, LAU, J, TB, HAQ, H, TBG, D, AO, 1....
3. Literally, jumped the shark.
4. Gobo seeks wisdom from Marjorie and letters from Matt
5. 9780671788285

Guns and society

With the tragedy which has happened in Sandy Hook, the topic of guns has started to make its way on my Facebook feed. I get this, because I have been thinking about guns in our society as well. The problem is, these are emotional responses because we want to do something, want to change something so this won't happen again, want to feel like we have made our children safer.

On one hand you have those who would tell you we need to greatly heighten gun control, perhaps even eliminate privately owned arms. The idea is, if you remove all the guns, then when a crazy person gets a crazy notion than he'll have no weapon to use. There are tons of problems with thinking this fixes the problem. First, these kind of massacres have happened with other weapons such as what happened in Bath Michigan. Second, making the guns illegal does eliminate the guns, it just takes them from the hands of law abiding citizens. Someone willing to commit such a heinous crime, is probably willing to own an illegal gun. Might it have fixed this problem? I don't know, it is not what happened.

On the other side, there are those that would like to see all of those teachers armed. So, rather than hiding her students and then being shot, the teacher could kill the gunman, maybe stopping the massacre shortly after it started. Again, their are problems with this. No teacher was expecting this gunman to be there and it doesn't sound like he spent much time talking. He killed quickly. Meaning, even armed, those first few teachers would likely be killed. Additionally, being armed, might have emboldened people who would have withered under superior firepower. Might it have fixed the problem? Might he have been killed sooner? I don't know, it is not what happened.

The commentators I have read on this have read the same news stories and understand the same timeline, but each find evidence which supports the points they already had. The anti-gun lobby points to this as evidence of the problem with being an armed society, which the pro-gun lobby sees this as evidence what happens in an unarmed environment. I have yet to see anyone cross over. There has just been digging in. Stop taking what should be a matter of prayer and making it a matter of politics.

I get it, you want your children safer. So, to help you out, I've made a short list of things you can do which will make you child safer, based on real numbers, real dangers, not a knee jerk reaction from one tragic event. The data I have is a little dated, but in the years I'm looking at children where three times as likely to die from ingesting something. So, no putting things thing their mouth. They were also three time more likely to drown in a pool, lets eliminate those. But those weren't the big ones, they were seven times more likely to die from a fall. Please no walking or climbing on things. But that is not the big one yet. If you really care about your children, you will stop driving them around. Car accidents killed 38 times the number of people as firearms. Are you really interested in reducing risk, or just feeling better about a bad situation? Think before you post.

The Not ToDo list

As most of you know, I work hard to fill me day, minimize my items which slip through the cracks, keep from distractions, build the perfect routine. I keep a log, a todo list, get help applying pressure with accountability. I am happy to be this way, but when you push and push and push the same things, the enjoyment of doing them is reduced.

With this thought, I've come to the realization I am good at adding more, and doing that more, what ever it is, everyday, but not good at removing things. If a healthy balance with exercise won't work the same muscle group everyday and if a healthy diet includes a variety of eating certain foods, nothing all the time, than should a healthy life balance take breaks? Is their anything we should be doing everyday? Ok, read your bible and brush your teeth everyday, but these other things fall into ruts.

My thought, a malformed as it is right now, is this, in addition to having a todo list, introducing a not-todo list.

I've already introduced one of these as a separate idea, before it occurred to me it might be worth expanding. My diet right now, and for the last two weeks, has one day when I don't log any food. I don't look up any points. It is a no diet pressure day. I escape from the restrictions I put on it the rest of the week. To do this, I adjust my points assuming half of my weekly points will be used in that day, but it is worth is just to have the escape. It feels great to take the break and afterwards it is not that hard to get back to it. So, how does it work, since I started doing this, about two weeks ago, I've lost four pounds.

What else could I apply this to? A day with no housework. Yes, there are days when I don't do housework, but I mean setting aside one day when you just agree you won't, so it becomes easier to do on the other days. Perhaps a no meeting day at work. A no e-mail day. A no TV day. A no computer day. There is so much it would be interesting, probably beneficial to take a break from.

What would you add to your non-Todo list? What would change if you had one day that you didn't do X?

Patched Up

Because, the last two posts have been on this conflict I have had with James and because he identified himself, but did not really explain, or defend himself, and because hurtful things have been written about him, after he was identified, based on my point of view, I have to write this post. To not finish explaining would be dishonest. Because, I think it is important to see my warts and I desire to be free from the fear created when my flaws are exposed, I want to write this post.

I have had good council come from many places, from my brother who wrote me a tough, but thoughtful e-mail, to Matt who related closely to how I felt in this situation, and even James wife, who pointed out that we, James and I, have been friends for a long time, more then two decades by my estimation, and as we are both believers we'll be friends for much, much longer. These things, comments from all of you, caused me reflect more deeply than I did on my original article, caused me to pull apart my own motivation, my own bias and see what was there.

Every sentence, every comment, every documented thought can be turned like a jewel to shade the meaning, give it an overlaying thought, a patina one shade off from what is actually there. How this jewel is turned, how we shade the words of others is up to us. The most benign things can cause those determined to take offense, while those enamored can give allowances for even the harshest words. What you hear and what you read often says more about you, than it does about the speaker. Recognizing this, Thomas Jefferson suggested grabbing things by their "smooth handle". We would say we need to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Last night I read the who transcript, which had transpired between us. I read the words that had offended me and then I read them grabbing them by the smooth handle. I read them not as an accusation, an assault on me, but a statement of James feelings. With just a spoonful of grace, there was much less offense to be had. At the same time, I was asking him to give me the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrapped up in myself, I hadn't spared any for him.

As I slept last night, I contemplated why, why had I jumped to the negative? Why had I moved so quickly, rather than with prayerful consideration. In the end, I think is has to do with some oddness I had perceived in the last two weeks, but with no item to pin them on, but just that feeling that someone is being passively hostile. I never had the proof to present to him, but the well had been poisoned and then, through that lens, I let him have it. Plenty of people in this world operate that way, but that is not how I want to operate. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to allow them to make mistakes in the things they say and let them explain themselves.

This morning I had a long talk with James. It was good. It was too late to give him the grace I should have given him days ago, but not too late to say I was sorry. Things have changed, I think for the better. More than two decades of friendship and we are still figuring it out.

You guys are awesome

When I started this blog I started with a fairly high level of anxiety. I was really worried about looking stupid, because I really am a horrible speller and part of me equates that with not being very bright. It was a way for me to address that fear, and at the same time learn to be ok with showing this weakness. A way to strip away that part of me that wants to look like I have it all together. It is ironic that this blog stemmed from an previous accountability relationship with the same person who offended me yesterday.

That aside, when I started writing yesterday, I was hurt. I wrote about it because it is what I was thinking about, what was at the core of me, at the time. The great thing about writing is, for me, I always feel better at the end. Great things become greater, reliving them in words and hard confusing things, even painful things, get untangled become more manageable. It's a great lens to cast life through.

So, by the time I clicked publish on the piece, I had already changed my way of thinking. I was feeling pretty liberated. Not happy, but not unhappy either. I had given up the chains of someone else's bias. As a note, I have been informed that my more agitated writing is also more error prone, sorry about that.

Anyway, I wrap it up and get back to work and then this awesome thing happens. I get texts and email, comments and phone calls. From everywhere you supported and affirmed me. I even had one person, with perhaps a little to much New York in her, offer to uh.. "Take care of" the situation. It was awesome. You guys are awesome.

By the time I closed my eyes last night, if anything, I felt better than I could have imagined. You gave me what I needed before I really realized I needed it. Thank you.

Offended

Right now, I am offended.

Last week ago, or so, I had discussion with a friend of mine on the way we interact with people. We have very distinct styles. We are both brutally honest, but he pride himself in always communicating directly, while I tend to deal with people in a much more subtle manner. I like to ask questions, guide someone to a conclusion, let them arrive at ideas at their own pace. I find this works well for me. He equated this to manipulation or exerting control, something peers should not do to each other, I do not. He made a moral judgement of this style, but rather than take offense, I listened and considered what he had to say.

In my consideration, I have come to the conclusion that he is wrong and here is why. When I teach my Sunday school class, I ask a lot of questions, this isn't to take an authoritative position, lecturing would be more effective for that, instead it is to engage the class. Every week they teach me something. Every week I get to be the student because of this more subtle method of teaching, rather conversation guiding. Additionally, when do accountability partnerships, the best tool I have is questions. If I'm telling someone an answer, it is my answer, if I can draw it from them, it is theirs. Who am I to tell someone I have a better solution? Questions get me out of the way. Even in friendship, I prefer to start with questions, make sure we are on the same page look at things the same way, have the same interests or views, before I push for something you don't want. I'm more interested to learn about you, than talking about me. If you want to know, you can ask. See how nicely that tool works.

This subtle approach is not the "right" approach, but it is my approach. It is the way I have found to have my relationships flourish.

Today I get a text from this friend about how he wouldn't be participating in my Facebook/forum questions anymore. When I asked him why, he told me that I seemed above it all when I asked a question and then don't participate in the discussion. He then tells me he's been mauling over our discussion and he has taken it to mean that when I am subtle, when I use questions to guide a conversation, I am actually trying to remain safe and keep the people asked at a disadvantage. In other words, I'm more interested in control, than what anyone has to say. This went from style, to bias, to judging my character because of the style I told him I had.

At that point, I was already bent out of shape a bit. So, I told him I thought he must be writing out of some hostility. I still can't imagine what other driver could bend the view of asking a few questions. He goes on to explain that when I ask question, but then don't answer them myself, it causes everyone else to group scrutiny, but not being exposed myself. I'm not share my opinion. First, let me say this may be the only time I have been accused of not expressing my opinion. Second, there is nothing at all in these setting preventing someone from asking me questions, nor is there a time limit preventing me from going back later and give my opinion. So, with those things being true, why jump on me? Why not just say you'd like to see my opinion, why not publicly ask me questions? Why take this incident and turn it into me being a puppet master? Why assume my motives? Prejudge my character? Is this what friend do to each other?

Then, he tells me. He writes, "I have definitely been on the lookout for this behavior lately." He was waiting to pounce, waiting to accuse. He didn't build assumptions about my motive and character today, he's harbored these things since, i guess since, I openly discussed our differences in interaction style. So, I can't win. I can't prove anything. Everything I say, to his ears, comes from the lips of a manipulator, every question I ask comes from a motive of control, there is nothing I can do which is above scrutiny. If you are on the lookout for something, if you look hard enough, you will find it. No evidence, is evidence of a cover-up to a conspiracy theorist.

So, what do I do? As I wrote him, "If you are intent on taking my discussions with you and using them to see me in a bad light, assuming the worse, I don't see what the value is. You can assume all the bad you want about me, without me saying anything."

Rainy Day

The trees don't have leaves on them anymore. Their bark has been blackened by the rain and the branches reach up into the grey sky. Dark skeletons with arms lifted up. The grass at their feet is losing its green vibrancy it just had, the near winter rain and hidden sun are draining it. I can see puddles, black mirrors, on the lot beyond. I imagine they wash out the features of those who look down into them. It is perfect, for today.

Last week I was on the phone with Steve, my accountability partner and friend, when from outside the door I hear someone yelling, "Calm down, calm down." I couldn't place the voice, it was so knotted up with pain and fear, and I couldn't, from the other side of the door, imagine what had transpired. It was loud enough, Steve heard the commotion, so I told him as best as I could, that someone was trying to calm someone else down, but I didn't know why. It was a little jarring.

We wrapped up the call in just a couple minutes and I walked out the door wondering what had happened. It must have been big because Shantel and Monique were both looking at me, jaws a little slack and eye revealing just how stunned they were. I asked what had happened, what was the yelling about. It was Barb, my boss, they tell me. It was her brother, on the phone, she had been trying to calm down, her Dad had just died.

The brother or the father, I'm not sure which, had just had surgery and the other was there to help them out. They were together in Lansing. Both, outside of this surgery, had been healthy. The morning of this call, the brother had gotten up and could not wake his father, his surviving parent and in a fit, in a broken state, called Barb. She wouldn't let anyone drive her and she left immediately. She needed to be with her family.

On this cold rainy day, right now, in Fenton the funeral service has begun. I could have gone, but I ... I couldn't. I don't want to see my boss that way, in grieving, and I don't think she wants to be seen that way. I never have the right things to say and I feel so awkward. Even considering it, I feel like my washed out reflection, a shadow of who I should be. I'm propped up only on excuses.

I watch the rain and pray for the family.

Single sentence Disney stories

1. Marlin could still feel the odd current made by his son's crippled fin and for the first time he resisted the urge to chase him.

2. The thoughts of how her cold, ruby lips tasted just slightly of apples melted, like snow seeping into the ground, when the beautiful girl breathed in life and heart the huntsman refused to take began to beat again.

3. It was not just his plastic arm, but the whole framework of the world, which broke when the space ranger crashed, unable to fly, into the wooden floor at the bottom of the stairs.

4. It is not the flying boy who refused to grow up, but the pirate ship in the clouds which softens Mr. Darling, reminding him of his own childhood.

5. The cries of "Kill the beast!" haunted Belle's mind, breaking her, as she suddenly realized that she loved Beast and he had just been killed by the people of her town, coming for her.

Pet Peeves

I drive my wife crazy. She has moments when she just wants to complain about something and I, being how I am, usually explain why it is that way or at best remain neutral. She really just wants me to get a little bent out of shape for her and I don't. Truth be told, I like to act above all of that stuff, someone who can let the problems of life roll of them. I my mind, I think it is better, but in practice is comes across as a little unemotional robot-like.

Don't be be wrong I hate complaining and I especially hate irrational complaining. Ok, that's not exactly right , I hate everyone else's irrational complaints, mine, I'm Ok with. I apologize to those I am about to offend.

Ok, let me start by saying, I hate that some of you just scooted forward, excited with the prospect of me throwing some friend of family member under the bus. What is wrong with you? You are the same people to like to tell people you don't want any drama, but here you are. Seriously, you are defective. I'm talking to you, don't try to lean back and pretend you weren't that interested. When I lean forward anticipating some juicy tidbit, it is because I'm doing research or caring or some other incredibly noble reason. Don't even pretend that's you.

Second, there can't possibly be that many defective keyboards on the planet. It is not cool or easier to read if you use all caps or all lower case letters. You are not e e cummings, nor do you live an era when you couldn't spring to the lower case letters on your typewriter. The shift keys on your keyboard are not on there for decoration, they are there so you can capitalize your proper nouns and have you sentences flow from that Upper case letter denoting the beginning of the sentence to the punctuation, yes punctuation, at the end. The only possible good reason I can imagine for you to do this is it lets a bad speller and abuser of grammar, such as myself, read what you've disjointedly screamed at me and then think at myself, perhaps my spelling is not so bad. It is like watching Hoarders so I can feel good about the junk in my garage. Quit it. You're breaking the Internet.

Next, this just applies to a couple of you, but set up/empty your dang voicemail. No, I'm probably not going to leave you a message and yes, I've intentionally left the generic message on my answering machine at home to deter people from leaving me messages, but after you have left me some rambling soliloquy, which I only hear after we have talked, and I then wait through five rings of denial, I would like to at lease have the option. Who do you think you are?

Last, because I really need to get back to work, quit making excuses. You didn't come to church because you didn't want to, you wanted to sleep in and you kid having the sniffles was a convent excuse. You didn't get your work done because you've been playing Angry Birds in your office all day because you just discovered it, not because of "competing priorities". Your house is a mess because you would rather watch TV, play games and take naps than, I don't know, clean it. It has nearly nothing to do with your spouse or kids, your a grown up, act like one. Do you really think that people buy any of those things? I mean, when I tell you I can't because I'm busy or I've got a phone call coming in or I'm not feeling well, you should believe me, but when you say it, I know what it really means.

Getting more done

I remember as a kid seeing my Aunt Cy writing on a small notepad. It was strange to me, at the time, because it has a line done the middle, rather than on the left and, had a spiral at the top and was maybe 3/4 of a regular notepad. She sat at her dining room table, working on it, making entries in pen and highlighting other entries. As I got closer, I could see they were chores and stuff to get. Wash dishes. Bathe Dog. Get Batteries. I asked her what kind of notebook that was and what was she doing. She explained it was a Steno notepad, which she liked because of the line down the middle. It let her write all the things she wanted to get done on the left and then as stuff got added, she could add it to the right. In either case, she highlighted it when it was done. She like highlighting all the stuff she had gotten done, because it made her feel good, I remember thinking it was kind of neat, but not something I needed. I was a kid, and not a very organized one.

That thought has changed for me over the years. For me it started with a study of polymaths, these incredible people who seemed to do everything. I studied their tools and methods. I toyed with the idea of how you would become one today. The things you would need to do, work on, what a modern day Leonardo's workshop would be like. They were, one and all, prolific note takers, documenting everything they saw, every thought. In those note, they included step to projects, things they needed to do, plans for the coming day and records of tasks completed. They had versions of Aunt Cy's steno pad. I added a to do list to my normal routine.

I didn't know it, but I had started a bit of an obsession. Productivity, squeezing the day, doing more. So, my note pads of todos became a database, designed to balance tasks, create optimization between physical and mental, spiritual and emotional tasks. It was better, but I could still see myself being prone to distraction. It wasn't enough to have a todo list, or even a single item to do right now, I needed a commitment, a way to track where my focus is right now. Again, I looked back in history to those who were "super productive" and decided to log. Track my time. When it was time to walk, I would note the time and write walk. It became like journaling what you eat. Started thinking I would be able to evaluate my time and improve it, but the observation alone changed what I did. That note in front of me, kept me focused. To do items became journal entries, got checked off and the next to do item would become my focus. When it worked, it was an engine.

It too, though, had problems. Certain items, important items, I would leave out of the to do list, keep them from the engine because, even though I needed to do them, I didn't want to. When I became a deacon, it was making deacon calls, as I recognized the need to be in better shape, it was exercise. I wanted to do it all, but if I was busy enough I could be successful and dodge these things. After all, I had a beautiful log which showed all the great things I was getting done. The problem was, these things were not always the most important things. They were not always the things that best aligned with my core values.

This brought about the third leg of my system to getting things done. Accountability. See, wether you are taking about Jefferson or DaVinci they had mentors and mentored, they worked in groups which they could bounce ideas off of and help keep them on track. They had relationships in a way which I think is largely lost today. It was certainly not part of my life. Other events, which I have written about before lead up to this, but it fell in place perfectly.

Today, I have several accountability partners which keep me on track with exercise and diet, praying with my wife being thoughtful to those around me. These are Godly men, who I hold accountable and they hold me accountable, so we don't avoid the things we really need to do.

So, I'm still obsessed with getting things done, but it is more in refinement than in creating any kind of new system. I have friends who provoke me to do better. I have a to do list, which helps me keep up on home, church and work responsibilities. I log my days to better control my time and focus. I don't know if it is the right way, but it is the way that works for me.

I am blessed

Many of you sent the month of November writing things each day you are thankful for, which is a powerful and good practice. If done right, it should keep you focused on the good things God has given you and not on the hassles of life. I didn't take the time across those days to do that, but I thought, this would be a good time and good place to declare that I am blessed. God has looked after me in so many ways.

First and foremost, before light was even spoken into existence, God began planning the world that was to be and in that plan he thought of me. He knew me before anyone else and decided, for whatever reason, that I would spend eternity with him in heaven. Then, with my life just eight years into being, he called me to be his, to start my life with his spirit inside me. I had no idea what that meant, or what I should do with that, at that age, but God was already working. He was setting me apart, even though I was unworthy, in fact I continue to be unworthy. Blessing is not about what you deserve, though.

Second, he plotted a life that would lead me to get a high school job at Arby's where I would be trained by a woman, who liked books with Fabio on them and Star Trek. She would become my friend, one of the people I really kept in contact with as I spent time in college, one of the people I would talk to until the sun was ready to come back up. Ultimately, as I was considering getting a place to live, she rented an apartment with me, became my roommate and my best friend. God was weaving our lives together, even though it wasn't obvious to me. We took some missteps and made mistakes, but in spite of me, God was still striving to bless me. Not long after I finished college, we were married. The perfect woman for me. She's just nerdy enough, wanting to see Sci Fi movies in the theatre, believing we should own all the Superhero movies, considering what comic books she might like to read and playing World of Warcraft with me in the evening, but drawing the line letting me now when I have left the playing field most people will understand. She is compassionate, letting me know when I need to help because I am oblivious, and is clearly the reason couples deal with us. God blesses me everyday with her. I don't deserve it.

Then, just 11 months into our marriage, God blessed us with twins. Yes, it is hard having twin babies. Yes, I have often described those first three months as grey. In everyday, though, they have been a blessing as well. Three years later, we received Shelby and three years after that, we received Sienna. At which point, we suggested God might bless us in other ways. He has, using these girls he brought us. He developed in Savannah a serving spirit, which often has her hoping up to do something, as he sister feigning deafness, and a love of nerdy thing, which makes her incredibly fun to talk to. He developed in Sierra a natural beauty and charisma, which doesn't cause her to obsess or take herself too seriously, making her fun to be around. He developed in Shelby a brilliance, which has her drawing a platypus, which was so good I initially asked her how she traced it, and answering math and spelling questions, which shock you that she knows the answer. He is developing in Sienna an inquisitiveness humor, which make you want to see things the way she sees them because it makes the world so amusing; we repeat the things she says just to breathing that childlike wonder. Each of these blessing are so wonderful, and I get them everyday. God is so good to me.

Twelve years ago, or so, we had twin and house in Kalamazoo. I had the only income in our house, and I lost my job. It's a little more complex than that, but it felt like God had taken his hand off of us. We had not been serious about church, about Godly things and we were being punished. This could not have been further from the truth. Yes, we had weeks of cheap food, Raman noodles and cases of eggs with ketchup. I slept in a house with no power,because we couldn't pay the bill. The problem was, God had something better, and I wouldn't move otherwise. He granted me a job, with the help of my Mother-in-law back on the other side of the state. Blessing. It would bring us close to our family. Blessing. It would being us back to church and church family, which has been so much a part of my life I can't imagine my life with out it. Blessing. It would help us to grow as Christians and believers, giving real and deepening meaning to life. Blessing. With every aspect of my life, God has been seeking to blessing and to be honest, I have no idea why.

I have a fantastically blessed life, not because of anything I have done, but because of the the things God has poured over me. I have reason to celebrate Thanksgiving, everyday.

Hypernikao

This word exists once and only once in the Bible. I am not sure if it is because no other circumstance warranted it, or if in the height of trying to completely convey his meaning, Paul created it. In ether case, the meaning today we also don't have a single word for. No translation that I have looked at even attempts to use just one English word to replace it. It is too big for that.

This word comes near the end of Romans 8, in my opinion one of the most powerful chapters in the Bible. It comes at this moment when Paul has shared with us the power of living by the spirit and not being worldly, he shows us how we are a family, being joint heirs with Christ, and then the beauty of our election and the sovereignty. He weaves together the practical with the theological. From there, in sort of the mountain top of his writing, he makes the case that if God is for us, no one can (successfully)be against. Then he writes, "In all things hypernikao through him that loved us."

This comes from the word nekao, which is a verb meaning to conqueror or to carry of the victory. This was on of John's favorite words, appearing in nearly everything he wrote, but this was enough for Paul. It must have seemed weak compared to the truth God was impressing on him. So, he added the prefix of hyper, a prefix we still use today. Meaning over or beyond. We might use the word super. In all things we have a super-victory through him that loved us. We are more than conquerors.

Yet, this is not the world I see and this not how the world sees us. We do have our aggressors and outspoken, who proclaim Christianity as the reason they do what they do. They declare the end of the world and quit taking interviews when the date passes, or they burn Quran's in Dearborn or the protest the funeral of soldiers. So the world gets to see Christians as loud nut jobs. Somewhat less than conquerors. More common, though, are the silent Christians who, within the four walls of the church talk about the problems with government, the activities of their family, the sexualization of all media, but out in the world they either say nothing, or act no different than anyone else. So, again, what does the world see, people who are no different than themselves.

We can't embrace this promise this way. We can't let the crazies be the only ones who speak. We can't conqueror from silence. If you want to say hypernikao of yourself, you need to be prepared to act. Need to look at yourself as a soldier prepared for war. Then, before you do anything, you need to find out from your commanding officer what is expected of you. See, that super victory, which is waiting for you, isn't your victory and by your rules, it is a victory for Jesus. As the verse says, it is through him that loved us or from the verse earlier, through Christ who strengthens you.

So, you might have started your morning rough, might have been caught up in the worldliness around you, might have remained silent when you know you should have talked before. This doesn't have to run you for the rest of you like. Go to Jesus. Pray for direction. Hypernikao from this point forward.