Patched Up

Because, the last two posts have been on this conflict I have had with James and because he identified himself, but did not really explain, or defend himself, and because hurtful things have been written about him, after he was identified, based on my point of view, I have to write this post. To not finish explaining would be dishonest. Because, I think it is important to see my warts and I desire to be free from the fear created when my flaws are exposed, I want to write this post.

I have had good council come from many places, from my brother who wrote me a tough, but thoughtful e-mail, to Matt who related closely to how I felt in this situation, and even James wife, who pointed out that we, James and I, have been friends for a long time, more then two decades by my estimation, and as we are both believers we'll be friends for much, much longer. These things, comments from all of you, caused me reflect more deeply than I did on my original article, caused me to pull apart my own motivation, my own bias and see what was there.

Every sentence, every comment, every documented thought can be turned like a jewel to shade the meaning, give it an overlaying thought, a patina one shade off from what is actually there. How this jewel is turned, how we shade the words of others is up to us. The most benign things can cause those determined to take offense, while those enamored can give allowances for even the harshest words. What you hear and what you read often says more about you, than it does about the speaker. Recognizing this, Thomas Jefferson suggested grabbing things by their "smooth handle". We would say we need to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Last night I read the who transcript, which had transpired between us. I read the words that had offended me and then I read them grabbing them by the smooth handle. I read them not as an accusation, an assault on me, but a statement of James feelings. With just a spoonful of grace, there was much less offense to be had. At the same time, I was asking him to give me the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrapped up in myself, I hadn't spared any for him.

As I slept last night, I contemplated why, why had I jumped to the negative? Why had I moved so quickly, rather than with prayerful consideration. In the end, I think is has to do with some oddness I had perceived in the last two weeks, but with no item to pin them on, but just that feeling that someone is being passively hostile. I never had the proof to present to him, but the well had been poisoned and then, through that lens, I let him have it. Plenty of people in this world operate that way, but that is not how I want to operate. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to allow them to make mistakes in the things they say and let them explain themselves.

This morning I had a long talk with James. It was good. It was too late to give him the grace I should have given him days ago, but not too late to say I was sorry. Things have changed, I think for the better. More than two decades of friendship and we are still figuring it out.