Birthing Babies

Last night's dinner was a spaghetti meal prepared by the pastor's of my church for the youth and their parents. When we came in we could see they had pushed half a dozen table together to make one giant table for us all to eat at. We were early enough Shelly and I got our choice of seat. The kids picked seats on the right end of the table, where Pastor Jim's kids were already at, so we opted for seats on the left side of the table. In about fifteen minutes or so other families started to appear and so we were surrounded by our friends. Couples across from us and beside us. Larry and I talked. Around us, like an estrogen triangle, Shelly and Kim and Angie talked.

It seems at this stage of my life every conversation among the women I know, if allowed to go on long enough, will eventually lead to childbirth. This may be the way it is, or this may be a phase. We, this moment in our lives, have friends who are pregnant, those that have just had babies, those that are trying to have babies. We know people who have had easy, seemingly always happy babies, and those who seem constantly plagued with health issues.

I don't know exactly why it works this way. I don't feel the call to turn every conversation to the process of birth or the problems of having a young child, but I think I at least, sort of, get it. When you have children what ever legacy you had before basically goes away, your enduring legacy is in you children. For most of us they will last longer than the other things we do. They are the greatest responsibility God will give you, literally he lets you shape the next generation. Additionally, they are the great counter to death. Having a baby is life's bookend, opposite death. It is hard to compete for something else which compares to it in life. For men, our participation in at least the gory details of this, is rough equivalent of a cow's participation in making a great cheese. Yes the milk is required, but the real work and artistry is what is done afterwards.

It was with these contemplations on my mind that I drove into work listening to a Radiolab podcast, in which they talked about a very difficult birth of a little girl and the legal laws regarding abortion and the few number of weeks which exist between our governments mark as OK to abort and the general medical guideline of viable. 21 and 24 weeks, just in case you are curious. It seems so callous, so arbitrary.

I have known more than one couple who have struggled to have children. I know the terms and the acronyms, the procedures and steps. Not in a personal way, not by my own experience, but because this path is worn and known to anyone willing to listen. These women, and to the lesser extent their husbands, mourn for their children. Not like a lost opportunity, like a job position which has already been filled, it really seems to be the quiet kind of mourning you get when one tries to reconcile the loss of a loved one. This morning as I listened to Radiolab, I quietly mourned with them. I hope in this writing I haven't added to their suffering.

The discussion on birthing babies happens because it is important, but it is easy to trample on this value if you don't respect those who are longing. For those with children, don't complain about them. I know they are frustrating, keep you up, give you messes and drive you crazy, but you may be talking to someone who would give anything just to experience those troubles. If you have a child, but can't have more, it is ok to lament the loss, but don't do it at the expense of the children you do have. God gave you precisely the number of children he intended and remember there are those who wish they could have the number you have. You are blessed. Finally, to those who feel locked out, to those who are mourning the children they haven't had (yet.), as much as it seems that way sometimes, this doesn't define you. What does define you is the people around you wishing for you, praying for you and even mourning with you when they here a heart grabbing podcast. There is a love poured onto you which is deep and special.