Learning to be happy when others are not

Some of you probably already think I have this skill. When I have said something which has made you mad, and you make it clear what a jerk I have been, I look at you with the eyes of a child poking a jellyfish. I don't give the emotional feedback you want. I don't usually retreat. I listen, neither happy nor sad, until you are done. This, is a mask. I wear it, so I will not be defeated by my own emotional leanings and so that you don't get feedback which will either heighten your anger, or feel justified in your judgement of me.

Behind that emotionless mask, though, I am longing to be liked, to have my criticism or comment leave you no less happy than before I made it. I want you to see things the way I do. I want you to appreciate my honesty and thoughtfully, without feeling slighted maul it over.

Now I'm not foolish, I know that is not the way it works, I know the only person who can really see things the way I do, is me. I have a fallback hope though, which is even though you disagree with my conclusion, you understand how I got there. You will work to fairly understand me. Maybe not happy, but you get it.

I performed a review this week, which went far rougher than I expected it would. It wasn't an awful review. There was no needs improvement. We were not taking any steps toward termination. The problem was the employee though they had met all their goals, but they hadn't and they had some pretty big communication and management issues in the year. The kind of things which we have discussed, but really needed to be hammered home. The review was given and tears flowed. I wore the mask and listened and explained and explained some more. I knew she wasn't happy, but I wanted her to understand, to grasp the problems so she could fix them.

She couldn't do it. There was no hopping the hurdle of feeling hurt, to figuring out what she needed to work on. No move from unhappy to understanding. See, I made her unhappy, which means, while she wouldn't say so, I was the jerk, since I was a jerk I had mush for brains and since I had mush for brains nothing I had to say was worth considering. I get it, but I don't like it. I am still the guy who thinks that if you don't like me, you should at least understand me.

As I think about it, that is a silly hope too. Whether we like it or not, much of our decision making is from the gut, even if it is how much stock to put into what someone is saying. How closely do I listen, how far will I go to find errors. Do I like what they are saying? Do I already believe it?

Why won't she move past the disappointment? Emotionally, she wasn't ready. Perhaps she couldn't. Should that hurt me? Should that ruin my happiness? No. In fact, it shouldn't hurt your unhappiness either. When you have to give bad news, make a tough criticism or otherwise tell someone something they are not going to be happy to hear, don't expect them to come on board. Give them time. Eventually, if and when they see your heart, when they see you are not trying to hurt them, they will understand the reasons why.